Being single during a pandemic can be tough, but coming out of a period of isolation and trying to find the “one” is even tougher, at least tougher than we’d expected. If dating wasn’t challenging enough it now seems like an impossible task… is the final destination really worth all of those awkward first (and sometimes virtual) dates? We may not have a clear answer to that, but we know someone that might.

Monique Kelley has built herself a career based on her experiences with dating, writing on all there’s to know about it since 2013 when she created her blog “Confessions of a Serial Dater in L.A.”. Her chronicles about the complex world of dating continue to this day with the release of Reality in Chaos, a book that tells the story of love through the friendship of Simone Monroe, Taylor Ross and Jackie McKinley. So who better to answer our never-ending questions about dating than a “serial dater”?

Have a read below at our Q&A session with Monique Kelley to find out all the advice she’s given us on love and relationships this side of lockdown.

How has it affected your personal life when it comes to the perception of love and relationships?

Writing the blog has helped me in being more self- aware of who I am in a relationship. I am unapologetic for my non-negotiables. When I first started the blog there was a fear that men wouldn’t want to date me once they discovered I wrote a dating blog, but my response soon became, “Don’t give me anything bad to write about.” And the blog had evolved through the years. What started off as an anonymous exposé of my own personal dating life has turned into a women’s empowerment movement. And I am so grateful for that.

Would you say that the relationship we have with dating has changed over the years if so, how?

Relationships have drastically changed through the years mostly because of social media and texting. As well as the culture of modern day society. Women are very aware of their power and their sexuality more so than ever before. They are unapologetic for their needs and their wants. But some also, settle for situationships and relationships that are one sided and not mutually beneficial so they can live the “lifestyle” they see on reality TV and forget their worth. There doesn’t seem to be an in between when it comes to young women dating. As far as Gen X women we are hyper aware of our needs and our wants and desires because we have learned from our mistakes that and some, there is a hard edge and a wall that is so thick and so high it is impossible for the right man to get around it or over it. So we need to be aware of where we are. But most importantly, we need to allow ourselves to be courted and let the man do the man. May sound old school…. But old school works for a reason in this case.

Social media has become a vital element in our lives, especially when it comes to Generation Z, do you believe that it has had a positive or negative impact on the dating scene? Can dating still function without the use of social media applications?

Social media has had a negative impact especially for Generation Z. There is a false reality and intimacy. There is the need to put on “shows” instead of living for the moment, especially when it comes to dating. Instead of getting to know people, Gen Z heads to an online profile to find out the inauthentic “you.” It definitely hasn’t helped.

The popularity of dating applications and the reliance on social media and online networks has arguably risen over the past year due to the pandemic and limitations on social interaction. Do you think online dating has been a good thing during the pandemic? What about now that we’re coming further out of isolation?

When the pandemic first hit; I strongly encouraged singles to go online because more people were on there than ever before! And some good singles who would normally never go online were on there because that was honestly the only way to meet people. However, for some people online dating just isn’t the right thing! They tried it and they do not like it, and that’s okay too. They shouldn’t force it. You have to remember your dating journey is customized. What works for one person doesn’t work for the next. You have to find what works for you.

With some facing breakups, having to deal with loneliness or even developing attachment issues, what advice would you give to people who have temporarily given up on dating? Is it a good idea to get back into the dating scene as things are starting to open up again? And if so, how should it be approached?

You just have to go for it! It’s not going to be easy. We are in what I call “Dating Purgatory” because the world we knew is no longer and the world we are in we haven’t figured out. So that translates into dating. You just have to get out there and make yourself figure it out. Change our routine, go to a different grocery store, take a different hiking trail. Tell friends to hook you up, use matchmaking services. Go where the men are- golf courses, cigar lounges, home improvement stores, etc. Take yourself out to lunch. Just get out the damn house and do it!!!!

According to the attachment theory by Bowly, there are four types of attachment that an individual can be defined by. These different types are developed in the upbringing of each individual and affect their character, behaviour and overall approach to relationships (platonic and non-platonic).

Would you say that the experience one has with dating (and love) is affected by the attachment type they are defined by and the experiences they’ve had in their upbringing? If so, do you believe that one can grow out of their attachment style and develop a new one?

Yes and yes. The first step is becoming aware of the challenges and unlearning them.  

And as a result of Covid, do you believe we have developed new patterns and dating styles that can be related to a completely new attachment style?

A lot of people got into serious relationships during Covid. Some worked because they were both ready and had worked through those issues prior and now find themselves in healthy loving relationships. Others went into relationships because they didn’t want to be alone. As the world slowly opens up. One person thought they were in a relationship where they were all in while the other is ready to hit the ground running and get back out into the dating world. One person is left hurt and confused and the other is being completely selfish and inconsiderate. That goes back to unresolved issues. Also, singles are going to be more out and about than ever before because we have been cooped up. So that opens a world of possibility.

Do you believe that dating has become some sort of trend of “task”? Do people date in look for love and long-lasting relationships or has it become a routine to avoid being alone and in search of temporary pleasure?

It’s a mixture of both depending on where a person is. And there’s no wrong way as long as you’re open and honest from the very beginning with what you are looking for and your expectations.

Finally, can dating even be considered as one phenomenon with characteristics that can be applied to everyone, or is too personal of an experience to be able to relate to or give advice for in a general manner? Even in times when we are all facing similar issues due to the pandemic, can it really be that similar of an experience for so many?

Always remember each individual has a customised dating journey. I can give all the advice in the world, but it doesn’t guarantee a happy ending. It doesn’t mean there won’t be heartache, hurt, pain, and disappointment. But at least you will not feel alone in the journey. At least you can get a little nudge to get back out there. At least you can know you aren’t the only one with the same insecurities, worries, anxieties and fear when it comes to dating. It’s about encouraging and empowering each other through it.  

You can buy Monique Kelley’s book here, and listen to her podcast here.

Words By Chiara Ferrari

The post Let’s Talk About Love And Relationships with Monique Kelley appeared first on Voir Fashion.

With the past year riddled with isolation and lockdowns, dating culture has changed. Replacing blind dates, social events and any chance for a meet-cute situation, dating apps and virtual dates are the only way to find some romance with all of our social lives on hold. So what does this mean for the dating world post-lockdown? As we move further along the Covid ‘roadmap’ and more towards normality, a lot of people are starting to get back in the saddle with dating again, but how we approach it will no doubt be different after the changes in the last year.

Hayley Quinn is a dating coach and public speaker, dedicated to helping men and women gain confidence and learn to love dating, there’s no better person to ask about the state of dating in 2021. She gives us her insight and advice on post-lockdown love and how Covid has changed the culture of dating.

Hayley, it’s definitely been a weird year for dating, with zoom call dinner dates and socially distanced walks ruling romance throughout 2020 and the past few months for all of us in the single spectrum. When do you think things will go back to normal for the majority of people still in the dating pool?

C19 could well be one of those dating events (like the introduction of dating apps) that change how we date forever. Some of the dating trends that we’ve adopted throughout the pandemic, are likely to be here to stay. In recent research from Match, it showed 18% of people intend to carry on the ‘zoomancing’ (that’s video dates to you and me) after the pandemic has ended. A swing towards walking dates, having more open conversations around commitment and building a connection digitally before meeting, will probably also always be a part of our dating lives. 

Online dating and dating apps have been one of the only ways to find some romance with all of our social lives on hold. You mention this digital connection as, possibly, a permanent feature of dating, do dating apps affect the way relationships develop? 

Dating apps can sometimes feel like shopping for a date online: it can be too easy to detach yourself from the process and forget there’s another person on the other side of that screen. If you want your experience of dating apps to improve it will often come down to you choosing to have a more human experience of them. No more swiping when you’re watching Netflix. No more relying on the other person to make the conversation interesting, or forgetting to respond. 

What’s your expert opinion on this way of dating, as a dating coach? And how do they affect dating culture in general?

Our modern culture of instant communication has made people flakier! If you met a friend of a friend at your local pub in 1980, the chances of you standing them up would probably have been pretty small; now it’s too easy to send a whatsapp message doing a last minute cancel. If you’re looking for a long term relationship you need to be the change here and start becoming far more accountable in your relationships. 

Why do you think that this increase in people using online dating will stick as we ease into normal life again?

Online dating will undoubtedly keep growing as the main method people can meet. Yes it has its limitations, however, the ability to meet a wide range of people cheaply and safely is a huge benefit. That being said, as a dating coach, I’m a big fan of meeting people IRL. People may discriminate online against someone’s height, or someone’s age, in real life if we’re attracted to someone, we tend to be a lot more flexible in who we match with! 

From your expertise and coaching over the last Covid-ridden year, is there anything that you’ve found has changed in what men and women are looking for in relationships? 

In 2021 I anticipate we’ll see a 3 way split with how people approach relationships. Some people will want to make the most of their freedom (summer 2021 will be a big party season!), some will have seen the benefit of a relationship, others will find dating even more daunting after spending the best part of a year solo. 

Have you found more people know what they want in a partner and relationship? And if we’re struggling to find it, how and where do we look in this climate?

One of the best exercises you can do to get out of a dating rut and become clearer about what you want is to take a break from dating to question your own dating patterns. With the normal distractions of single life removed, Covid meant a lot of people had to take a hardcore reset in their dating lives. 

Do you think that the personal growth and self-reflection that lockdown has catalyzed for many has played a part in this and dating culture in 2021?

Absolutely! One of the best parts about being single and going through lockdown, has been the huge ability to experience personal growth. Where before if you were feeling blue you could head on a night out, or a last-minute date, to mask your feelings, with this out of the picture people have been pushed to confront their dating demons, and re-strategize for 2021. 

If we are just looking to have some fun with dating again, many of us might be feeling a little cautious with the presence of Covid still looming, and after such a long time without being able to. What’s your best advice for getting back in the saddle?

Just like getting over a break up, you don’t have to rush back into dating, just because Covid is becoming more manageable. Also, the best people for you won’t push your boundaries- if you want to take things slowly, or have a really open conversation with someone before you meet, the best partners for you will naturally gel with how you want to get to know them. 

Equally, the term ‘situationship’ has certainly been used more frequently over the last year – undefined and uncommitted relationships, often to do with proximity and the pause on dating and socialising. Do you think situationships will stay just as popular when we can go out and mingle freely again?

Unfortunately I think as long as people date, situationships will be a thing. Situationships can serve a purpose: if you’re unable to date, or don’t want to commit, they can provide a good amount of connection that suits where you’re at during this stage of your life. Situationships only get bad when you agree to participate in one, when you know you actually want more. 

So Hayley, how do we date smart in 2021?

Use the self knowledge you’ve gained in the last year to become really clear now about what kind of relationship is going to work for you. If you constantly attract emotionally unavailable men for instance, recognise that you have the power to end this type of situationships.

Hold high standards for how someone should treat you, but be flexible about who you think your type is. Finally be proactive: it’s not about finding ‘The One’, it’s about becoming the one who can make your dating life a success.

Find out more about Hayley’s work and coaching on her website.

Words By Daisy Greetham

The post Post-Lockdown Love: Navigating the World Of Dating in 2021 With Hayley Quinn appeared first on Voir Fashion.

Covid-19 has introduced an interesting dynamic to love and relationships. The lockdown effect of the virus in several regions has led to many people redefining their search for love and relationship. Gone Is the time of fuckboys and situationships (although no one had time for that) and say hello to the quarantine boyfriend and socially distanced relationships. Voir fashion speaks to Susan Winter, the Relationship expert on love and relationships during the time of Covid-19.

Relationship Expert, Susan Winters

Susan Winter is a best-selling author and renowned relationship, expert. She has gained world recognition from her best-selling book Older Women/Younger Men. She has also appeared on The Oprah Show, The Today Show and even the BBC News. Susan writes, speaks and coaches on cutting-edge partnership models as well as traditional relationship challenges from a place of self-esteem and personal empowerment. She has been published in Harper’s Bazaar, People Magazine, Cosmopolitan and The New York Times. Her understanding of human behaviour has helped her connect to the heartbeat of people and their relationships.

When speaking to Susan, we were excited to finally find answers to all our questions on love and relationships, especially during this time. First thing first, we had to find out if it is all doomed. Considering everything else happening in the world, for many love has taken a back seat compared to all their other challenges due to the lockdown. If it is not all doomed, how stable can the relationship be, if it is formed during such a stressful time?

“Being open to love can soothe even the most stressful of times. But if you find yourself too stressed to focus on what you need in a relationship; you could be making poor romantic choices due to desperation or loneliness,” says Susan. She advises checking your mental state before you embark on your search as more than ever, people are online and looking to connect with other human beings for a sense of belonging, community, and romance. On the worry of the stability of your newfound romance, Susan revisits her statement on the intentions behind getting into a relationship as relationships formed based on desperation, need, or loneliness probably won’t survive when lockdown ends.

Now that we have the vote of confidence to go ahead by the professional herself, we were wondering if she could give us advice on the best approach or a “how-to” find love during this time. (For all the single people out there, this one was for you)

We need to have an adequate selection of prospective mates to choose from. This part of the process requires culling through all the candidates we meet in order to narrow the field to those qualities most desired in a mate.

In the process of combing through the many to find the one, Susan cautions on the need to know yourself as you will need to identify what kind of bait trips the wire to make us spin into a fantasy. Everyone is susceptible to beauty and charisma; we’re also susceptible to praise and adulation. That’s why players are so effective in their game of love bombing. If you find yourself, frustrated Susan says you have probably let your eyes do the choosing, and your wishful thinking creates the storyline. This then leads to manipulation, insecurity, and illogical behaviour, sounds familiar?

As no one can date IRL, video dating and online apps are our only medium for connection. Susan cautions that you may feel as though you know a person because you speak to them continually, but you don’t really know them. Anyone who seems ‘too good to be true’ may be playing you, and anyone who wants to go too fast, too soon, is not it for the long haul.

If you do find that special someone how can we ensure a genuine connection is formed as a physical meeting is not so safe due to lockdown regulations? Now more than ever, Susan highlights the importance communication plays in building a solid relationship. Rather than rely upon physical attraction to be the barometer of connection, we must now use conversation to grow affection. She continues to state that slowing the pace of sexual expression enables a couple to get to know each other. This is the legwork that creates a sturdy foundation for healthy, loving partnerships.

For those who have managed to find relationships or are already in relationships, congratulations, you are part of the lucky few. However, the statistics show that the lockdown may not be so positive for you either, with the 40% rise in divorce inquiries. The lockdown has given some ample time to review our relationship goals. If you are unsure of your relationship Susan has provided a way to test the merit of your relationship, she says to ask yourself, Do the two of us align in terms of life goals? Relationship goals? Lifestyle goals? Are we both motivated and excited about entering a committed relationship? Have we processed and handled our past relationships and are now ready, willing, and able to be present to love?

Some new couples have found themselves living together for the last three months for one reason or the other. Susan says by ‘playing house,’ they’ve skipped past the rigours of formal dating and moved straight to living together. Additionally, they share the bond of being united during an extremely difficult time period. This creates an intense feeling of closeness. She advises new couples to communicate with each other and set boundaries. Being cooped up in the same space requires a lot of negotiation. This can be a steep learning curve for new couples. How well you work together (or don’t) will provide vital information on the viability of your staying together.

For those already in relationships and have been for a long time Susan advises on the need to continue to date each other. She continues to state that as humans, we get complacent and begin to take our partner for granted, which is natural, but relationships are living things that require time and attention. If both partners continue to make an effort to be thoughtful, romantic, and attentive, the relationship should flourish. Lack of appreciation and unresolved resentments kill a relationship.

We understand that not one shoe fits all and we know that not everyone is looking for something serious. Hence, we asked what advice Susan would have for those in casual relationships or the non-relationship seekers?

Be clear about what you want from the start. And be clear about the rules of engagement. Everyone thinks they can do ‘casual’ with ease, yet oftentimes find themselves catching feelings. The intersection of intimacy and emotion is a potent mix of hormones and magical thinking. So, learn the fine art of authentic communication to manage those tricky spots of duelling desires.

Find out more from Susan Winter’s website here: https://www.susanwinter.net/

Words by Precious Njoki

Cover by Katie Janes

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